How to talk to your child about bullying (without making it scarier)

If you ask an elementary-age kid how school went, you will probably hear “fine.” That one word can cover a great day or a really hard one. The goal isn’t to interrogate your child. It’s to make talking to you the easiest thing they could possibly do.

Start before anything goes wrong

The best time to talk about bullying is when nothing is happening. Kids who have already heard you say “you can tell me anything, and you will never be in trouble for telling” are far more likely to speak up when it matters.

Kids tell you the hard things when they already know you will listen.

Five ways to open the door

• Ask specific, low-pressure questions. “What was the best part of lunch?” opens more doors than “How was school?”
• Talk side by side, not face to face. The car, a walk, or drawing together often gets more honesty than a sit-down talk.
• Share a small story of your own. Letting your child know that grown-ups felt left out or hurt too makes it safer for them to say it out loud.
• Name the behavior, not the child. “Someone was being unkind” keeps the focus on what happened, not on who your child is.
• Say the three sentences every child needs to hear: it’s not your fault, you are not in trouble, and I’m going to help.

When your child does open up

Your first reaction matters more than your first solution. Stay calm, thank them for telling you, and listen all the way through before you jump in. If they sense that you are panicking or angry, they may stop sharing to protect you.

Then work out the next step together: who at school can help, what your child wants to happen, and how they can move toward safety and a trusted adult if it happens again. Contact your child’s teacher or school counselor, and keep notes of what happened and when.

Build the confidence underneath

Kids who know their own value are better able to shake off unkind words and to stand beside someone else who is being treated badly. That is the heart of what I talk about with students: your story matters, your dreams matter, and you are more than how you look or what anyone says about you.

If you’d like something to do together at home, my Finding Your Purpose Family Workbook gives your child 12 full-color pages to write and draw their story, dream about their future, and plan one small first step, with a 5-day kindness challenge and tips for grown-ups. You can see inside at samuelpicou.com/workbook.